I just had to write a post about chocolate muffins, as it really illustrates how our children’s need for safety can extend to food.
Today I was food shopping and I bought a large coffee to keep me going and for an extra 20p I could get a choice of pastries. I choose a chocolate muffin, as I know my son loves chocolate muffins. In fact, he had called me in the shop and asked for chocolate muffins and other things he likes for snacks and lunch. However, in the back of my mind, there is always a little niggle as nothing is ever certain – would he like this chocolate muffin. The chocolate muffin was fairly big and had no sprinkles or icing or anything different to the chocolate muffin he usually has, so I thought I would give it a go – see picture below, the one on the right is the new muffin!.
At home he is excited because he is hungry and he can see lots of his favourite foods as I have unpacked them ready to put away. I know I need to give him some food first before I pack away, so I make a little plate of watermelon, pea soup, chorizo (all safe foods) and the chocolate muffin. He carries the plate upstairs, I carry the soup in a mug and his water. I leave it with him and he carries on his computer activities. I go in a little while later to see him finish drinking his soup (excellent I think to myself something reasonably healthy!), his plate is clear, the watermelon and chorizo are gone. I then see by the side of his plate the chocolate muffin. I comment that I notice he hasn’t eaten his muffin – (he hasn’t even tried it, but I don’t mention that). He says it looks too fancy he doesn’t like the look of it. In my head I am thinking, ‘What! it looks so delicious, I thought fancy was a good thing!, and it is nearly the same as his safe muffins. What I actually say is ‘Ok would you like one of the other ones?’ (because of-course I bought a pack of those too!) and he says ‘Yes’, and goes on to happily eat the whole thing – his safe, favourite chocolate muffin!
Now if we were out and about then he might have tried a different type of chocolate muffin as the novelty of being in a different place might have outweighed his need for safe food. He is AuDHD and so has this wonderful combination of often loving excitement and different things, with the need for safety and consistency – sometimes it’s hard to predict which way things will go! We have also built up a trust that I will always provide the safety that if he doesn’t like something he doesn’t have to eat it, and I don’t make him feel shame by telling him it’s a waste.
I could have been upset at the rejection of my special muffin, I could have been angry he didn’t eat it and ‘wasted’ it, I could have been frustrated that I had to make his snack first before putting the shopping away, I could give up and say I will never try anything new again, but I do Parenting Differently and I see things differently. So I carry on with my day with a smile to myself about how much I love my son and his attention to detail and his certainty about what he likes and what he doesn’t. With note to self that those big muffins are too fancy!
Something that could be perceived as simple as buying a muffin for a child, and that might be simple for other families, is not always simple. It takes a lot of emotional energy from parents and their children. With Parenting Differently almost every decision and action I take involves a lot of moments of curiosity, patience, understanding and acceptance – with the ultimate priority to maintain our strong connection.
The result is my son is happy, I am happy and we have a reciprocal relationship. It has taken us a while to get here, and the journey is not smooth or linear, however I do know that Parenting Differently is worth it.
