Making mistakes as a parent is human and helps our children feel reassured about their own mistakes – what’s important is how we repair and reconnect.
This morning was the day of the brace fitting. We have been anticipating this day for a good few months, and on Thursday last week he said he was not able to go to school on the Friday or the Monday because of the brace fitting on Tuesday. Before I talk about today, let’s revisit last week and why I agreed he didn’t need to go into school.
We have been trialling a school for a few weeks, after over a year of no school and before that, a year of disastrous school, and before that, a year of a mix of no school and a nurture groups and before that exclusions and fence jumping! He had been managing a few mornings a week at the new school, and I have been on the edge of my seat worried about how it would go. So far so good, until the braces. I decided to pause for a moment rather than panic that this was the start of the placement breaking down after only two weeks. panicking that the school would doubt our commitment, or they might wonder if he should be offered a place, or think I was soft touch and letting him get away with not going in.
I decided to be curious, I looked at what all the moments have been telling me over the last few weeks and months, and actually I could see that he had genuine anxiety over the braces, not over going to school. Nor was it anything to do with trying to manipulate me or get out of school for a laugh or to play computer games, because he was actually enjoying his new school. He even said ‘Mum don’t worry this is not a repeat of the last school’. I was slightly relieved and also felt slightly guilty that he could see my apprehension. (Just shows that when a school can meet needs children often are able to go in, I am getting off track onto the topic of schools, back to braces).
Anyway, I didn’t force, cajole, bribe him to go in to school because the actual priority this week was his braces. He wasn’t able to manage both, so we had to choose. This morning the moment to leave was upon us, I always have to play things cool and not put pressure on. He had managed so well: he ate food (usually struggles to eat breakfast), he got dressed, he was even on his way to the bathroom and then I did it, I made my mistake I said ‘Make sure you do your teeth twice before we go to the dentist’. I said it in a happy, funny, casual, friendly way, but I had momentarily forgotten all the support that I put in place so my child is able to manage things, and that direct demands are too much, especially when he is already stressed. I wasn’t thinking, but I am only human after all!
He immediately started making angry upset sounds, and said no, and then said ‘Right I am not going to get my braces now’ and he went straight back to his room. I knew this whole situation was now sitting on thin ice. I wasn’t sure if we would leave the house let alone get there on time. So I decided to acknowledge my mistake and I apologised, not to make a huge big deal about it, but I just said ‘You know what, you are right, I shouldn’t have said that I am really sorry, I know you were going to do them’ ‘I made a mistake, I make mistakes sometimes and I am really sorry’.
I said it a couple of times and then I thought the best thing to do was to try and distract so I said I was going to go and get the car and drive up to the house. I did this, and when I pulled up he beckoned me inside, so I turned the engine off and went in, no idea what was about to happen but I could tell he was calmer and he was putting his shoes on. He told me that I shouldn’t have said that and I agreed. He was feeling back in control and our connection was restored. We then got in the car and went to get the braces fitted!
The actual brace fitting went surprising well but could have gone extremely badly as the dentist had not met us before, had not got the brief that my child was AuDHD and he started very quickly moving my sons head, using air and water and all sensory things that could have been a big challenge. I was in two minds to say something, but my son seemed to tolerate it or was slightly scared/surprised into being still (Obsv. not in a dangerous way, I was holding his hand!) I figured my talking caused a problem in the morning so I didn’t say anything until afterwards, when my son exhausted from the mental anxiety collapsed into a hug. He was able to sit back up and listen to the dentist and ask questions: no sweets, no fizzy drinks, no pizza crust, no French bread and clean teeth 3 times a day for 5 mins each – oh my goodness so the hard part is yet to come, no sweets and we only manage teeth once a day if that arghhhhh!!!!!!!!
Parenting Differently and prioritising co-regulation and connection helps me to think about who I need to be and what I need to do in each moment by moment, so even when I make a mistake I know my relationship with my son is still going to be ok.
